Impostor syndrome

My first exam in grad school, I scored an 85 and was told by my professor he was disappointed in my performance. I went home from class that day, cried for hours, and then decided I wasn't meant to be in grad school. I was too stupid for my program and was going to quit. Luckily, my program mentor who is a year ahead of me, reached out to me, and talked me off of my quitting ledge (that time).

It's funny because, I used to celebrate 85s on exams. I have never been a good test taker, so my goals have always been to get Bs on exams, and do well on projects, homework, and other smaller assignments to boost my grades. Yet, when I get dealt an 85 in grad school, I felt like the dumbest person in the world, especially after hearing that the class average was a 91. Now, not only was I dumb, but I was below average in my dumb-ness.

Looking back, I realized that what I suffered from, and what I, arguably, still often struggle with, is Impostor Syndrome. Impostor Syndrome, coined by Clance and Imes (1978), is a phenomenon in which people feel intellectually inferior despite demonstrating competence. It comes out of perfectionism where we hold high standards for our own performance while critically evaluating perceived failures (even if others may not view it as a failure). So, while my classmates all talked about and shared their exam scores, I only responded with the coy, but truthful line of: "I did fine", before changing the subject. I was trying to appear perfect to others and concealing my flaws in attempts to maintain my "smart" appearance, but in doing so, I felt more like a fraud (Ferrari and Thompson, 2006).

After trying to quit the program many more times after this instance, I started to reach out and connect with other graduate students, asking if how I was feeling was normal, or if there were things I could do to no longer feel this way. Some of the students that I look up to, told me that they too, have felt like they knew nothing, but they were people who knew so much about the field of IO. Despite doing well on future exams, I still felt (and often still feel), like I didn't belong, that I didn't and don't know enough, or anything at all, but mostly that I am inadequate at what I'm trying to do.

Impostor syndrome poses a problem because it makes it difficult for people to assess their strengths and give themselves credit where credit is due accurately and realistically. It is especially difficult and prominent in graduate students because sometimes school feels like a bubble, especially when school is far away from the roots and groundings that you've built growing up or in college (Parkman, 2016). You don't really know who to reach out to and family and friends don't necessarily understand all the pressures that come along with the program. While you're already trying to adjust to a new lifestyle and location, having feelings of doubt and internalized negative experiences can cause increased stress, anxiety, and depression.

Interestingly, those in marginalized groups more often experience impostor syndrome because they don't feel a sense of belonging (Cokley et al., 2013). Therefore, minority groups are more likely to feel that they are role-playing and faking it, rather than being their authentic self. As a result, the longer this goes on, regardless of achievements, those in minority groups continue to feel like they don't belong and feel like a fraud.

What can we do about it?

I'll be the first to admit that despite recognizing that I often struggle with impostor syndrome, there are still days where I feel inadequate despite my achievements. First and foremost, it's important to recognize impostor syndrome in your life. By acknowledging it, we have somewhere to point to when we are feeling inadequate, to remind ourselves that maybe it's our impostor syndrome that is making us feel the self-doubt. It is also important to remind ourselves of the achievements that we do have that are being overshadowed by clouds of impostor syndrome.

More than simply acknowledging impostor syndrome, it's so important that we also talk about it with others, so that we have and develop a support system where people are willing and ready to call you out on your self-doubt and remind you of your successes. Research has found that mentors can assist their mentees in overcoming impostor syndrome by reminding them of their successes. This can be through maintaining a journal of successes and achievements, or even simply just reminding them of their identities outside of being a student. This allows for positive affirming self-talk to counter the negative expectations or thoughts that can rise about from impostor syndrome (Wyatt et al., 2019).

Often times the irrational thoughts that surround our doubts and feelings of inadequacy can be overcome by taking the time to work through those feelings and exploring why you may feel dumb or stupid, or lacking. In taking a step back, you're better able to combat the irrational beliefs and focus on the realistic side while also taking steps to move forward.

I wish I had known more about impostor syndrome when I first entered the program, and while there are still days that I struggle with it, I realize now how important it is to have a support system and also openly talking about the doubts that accompany impostor syndrome. With my mentees in the program, I make it a point to check in after exams and randomly through the semester to see how they are doing, to celebrate any successes with them, but also to lift them up during their struggles.

So if you've ever felt this way or know someone who has, remember that you don't always feel this way (these feelings don't last forever), that you have plenty of accomplishments (no matter how big or small) that deserve to be celebrated, and that people around you have felt or are currently feeling the same way too. But most of all remember that everyone has felt impostor syndrome at some point, and that you are not alone in your feelings. Sometimes the simplest move is just to reach out and let others know how you're feeling. You'll be surprised to hear how many of your peers, family, and friends have felt the same way.